After years of being plagued by extreme headaches,

Disclaimer: English isn't my main language, there might be some mistakes here and there

Jim finally went to see a doctor. After a lot of researching, the doctor said: "I have good news, but I also have bad news."

The good news is that I have found a cure for your extreme headaches. The bad news is that your testicles put so much pressure on your spine, that it can cause extreme headaches.

The only thing I can do is castrate you, to relieve your spine from the pressure." Jim was shocked, and became depressed. He didn't know what to do. A life without sex was not very attractive, but he didn't like his life anyways with these headaches. He decided to castrate himself.

When he walked out of the hospital without his testicles, and for the first time in twenty years wasn't plagued by the extreme headaches, he felt like a completely different person. To celebrate this, he decided to buy a new suit in an expensive store. When he walked in, he told an old seller that he was looking for a new suit. The seller told him: 'I see that youe need size 44.' Amazed looked Jim at the seller and said: "How do you know?" "Oh sir, I've been in this business for 40 years, and I have a very good view on it."

Jim fitted the suit and looked in the mirror. The suit looked stunning on him. "You of course need a nice shirt in combination with that suit". The seller told him. Jim agreed. The seller said: "You have size 34 from sleeves and 16 from neck." "I'm amazed how you can just see it without measuring", said Jim.

"Oh sir, it's really not that hard after 40 years". Jim fitted the shirt, and it also stood great on him. "While we're at it," said Jim, "Why don't we go look for some new shoes?"

The seller looked at him and said: "Size 44, isn't it?" Again was Jim amazed. After they chose the right shoes, the seller said to Jim: "Of course you want new underwear too?"

He looked at Jim's waist, and said: "Size 36, right?" Jim said a bit triumphant: "Nope, this time you're wrong, I always wear size 34!"

The seller shaked his head and said: "You should 100% not do that. Size 34 is too tight for you, and pushes your testicles right against your spine, something that can cause extreme headaches!"

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What do you call perspiration from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past, "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad." replied Bob the hen. "But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating." explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?!"

"Never!" said Bob.

"Well, just relax and let it happen." says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, "BOB, wake up!! You've shit the bed!"

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A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

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99 bugs in the code...

99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code! Take one down, patch it around. 127 bugs in the code.

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A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says...

“Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

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I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes....

Where pretty good but we haven't got a gig yet.

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