An old pilot sat down in a coffee shop and ordered a cup of coffee

An old pilot sat down in a coffee shop and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

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Today I spotted an albino dalmatian.

Now everyone will be able to tell it's a dalmatian.

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Why are there no cats on mars?

Because curiosity killed them

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Do I ever fail to satisfy my girlfriend sexually?

A small part of me says yes.

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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting.

While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

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Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin. He then selected his most worn-out wand,and inserted it in the gaping hole of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came out and cut the stick neatly in two.

'Merlin, you are a genius!' said King Arthur. After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed before he returned to Camelot.

Upon arrival, he immediately assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for a 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each of them had an amputated little Johnny or was damaged in some way. All except Sir Galahad.

'Sir Galahad', exclaimed King Arthur, 'The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'

Sir Galahad was speechless!

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