Holy Crap, This 4x400 Relay Comeback Is Unreal

Holy Crap, This 4x400 Relay Comeback Is Unreal
Texas high school senior Matthew Boling is not of this world.

May 13, 2019 at 08:18PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/30f38wj

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What does Donald Trump's hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole.

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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No Problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight.

I immediately began searching for him. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die.

In a rage, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Hi there. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

The guy sighs and says: "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. 

Then this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "very well," the Angel announces.  "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets him enter.

A few seconds later, a third guy comes up to the gate. Finally he says, "And what was YOUR day like?"

The guy says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator..."

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A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.

She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

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Welcome to invisibility class.

I’m pretty disappointed to see so many of you.

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I won $3 Milllion on the lottery

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.

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Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”

The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard.

The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says.

Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!”

CRACK

The boulder immediately splits in half.

“Aw fuck this,” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.”

Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?”

The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position.

“Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with

“I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.”

“Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!”

CRACK

The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright.

Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!”

CRACK

Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping.

The man gets up, weary but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, goodjob. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?”

The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”

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