“Mommy, why did you name me rose?”

“Because when you were born and we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head. So we names you rose.”

“Is that why little brother is named leaf?”

“Yes, it is”

“Blaaaarghhhh-ddsdbbbb-beeebbbleeee”

“Shut up brick”

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If you wanna find the gender of an ant, put it in water.

If it drowns, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.

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Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

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If you ever own a Tesla and it gets stolen...

Then it's called an Edison.

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Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

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Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at?

The second hand store.

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What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a pastor?

Alien vs. Predator

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