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Thứ Hai, 27 tháng 5, 2019

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at the party....

Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?

They're afraid it might look like they're dancing.

My wife screamed at me: “You really haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said to you, have you?”

What a weird way to start a conversation!

A Migrant Family Takes A Greyhound Across America


A Migrant Family Takes A Greyhound Across America
Entering the U.S. at a rate of more than 5,000 a day, new arrivals from Central America are departing border towns by the busload. And that bus is usually a Greyhound.

May 26, 2019 at 11:03PM
via Digg https://nyti.ms/2JHYuBN

NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!!

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Jerry said, We've got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, Don't believe him, hes getting senile The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning. Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We"re outta here!

I tried to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi.”