There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could satisfy herself. He looks around but finds nothing.

The cashier comes to him and asks him what he wants, to which the man tells him his problem. "I have a special toy just for you" the cashier tells the man. They both go to the back room and the cashier pulls out a black velvet box. He opens it and there's a golden dildo inside it.

"What's so special about this?" asks the man. "Check this out" replies the cashier and says "Voodoo Dildo, the door". The golden dildo rises from its black velvet box and starts furiously humping the door till it breaks. The cashier then says "Voodoo Dildo, the box" and the golden dildo flies back into the box and he closes it.

The man thoroughly impressed buys it and goes to his girlfriend. He says "Honey, I'm going away for 3 weeks for work. If you ever feel horny, just open this box and say these words that I've written down".

A couple of weeks pass and the girlfriend gets really horny. She suddenly remembers what her boyfriend and told her. So she goes to the drawer and opens the black velvet box and reads out the following phrase "Voodoo Dildo, my vagina". The golden dildo rises from the box and starts humping her.

After a while, having had a few orgasms, she's tired and wants to sleep. She tries to pull it out but she's not able to. She then realizes that her boyfriend hadn't told her the words to stop it. So, she decides to go to the hospital and get it surgically removed. She somehow wears her gown and gets to her car.

Obviously in a state of panic, arousal and pain, she's unable to drive the car properly and starts swerving. Seeing a reckless driver, a police officer soon catches up to her and makes her stop. As he comes to the window he sees this woman who's sweating and panting and there's water everywhere.

"Are you drunk?" asks the officer. "No no officer, I'm perfectly sober" replies the woman.

"Then what's the problem ma'am?" asks the officer. The woman embarrassedly tells him "I have a Voodoo Dildo stuck inside me. I'm going to the hospital to get it surgically removed".

"Yeah right" replies the officer, not believing a word, "Voodoo Dildo my ass"

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The bartender asks "why the non-linear sequence?"

Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was the captain's parrot, after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

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How Many Bones Would You Break to Get Laid?

How Many Bones Would You Break to Get Laid?
"Incels" are going under the knife to reshape their faces and dating prospects.

May 28, 2019 at 07:46PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2JIcn2Z

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The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent alone on the ship, he became adept at building small robots to help him complete his tasks. He formed relationships with the little bots, but he found he missed the companionship of real humans. He would take small stints in the cryogenic chambers in order to prolong his life, so as to complete his mission of getting his friends and family to their new home. But a long life with no one real to talk to is lacking.

With his knowledge of robotics, he took it upon himself to build an artificial human. Something that looked real. Something that felt real. Something that would make the unbearable loneliness go away.

He didn’t feel right copying the likeness of any members of the sleeping crew, so he modeled the robot on himself. By the time he was done, there “he” was, a perfect replica of Jacques himself. He named the robot Jacques 2.0, because who else was there to get confused? And as he grew older, it would be easier to remember his own name, he figured.

Well, years passed as they are want to do. He grew old and frail on the journey, but Jacques 2.0 remained as lively and youthful as ever, helping his creator to complete the tasks the old man’s bones could no longer handle.

As the old man lay dying, he asked his robotic companion to do him a favor. He wanted his remains to be scattered among the stars, the asteroids, and the comets they passed. He did not want to be buried on a planet he would never see, but instead live on in the vastness of space that had become his home. So when the day finally came, Jacques 2.0 sent his creator’s ashes out of the airlock and into the universe.

But the journey was not over. Jacques 2.0 carried on his creator’s duties for years and helped the crew arrive on their new home. As the ship grew close to the planet, he pulled the switch to wake the crew. One by one they woke from their long sleep and travelled to the observation deck to see their new home. When they arrived, though, they found themselves in complete shock. There was Jacques, as lively and youthful as ever, waiting for them.

“How can this be?” They asked. “Surely you would at the very least be an old, old man by now. It has been so long since we left Earth.”

Jacques 2.0 raised his hands slightly in a calming gesture and said, “Do not worry. I am here to send you a message of love and care from Jacques. I was created to help him complete his mission. I may look like him, but in truth, I am not him. For you see,” and with this he gestured towards the stars and space above their heads, “the real Jacques is in the comets.”

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Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

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A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I am so sorry and tired. My muscles ache all over!"

Doctor: "From not eating?"

Blonde: "No from skipping"

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