Stalin was visiting a town (actual joke from Soviet era)

Stalin was visiting a small town in Russia. Huge crowd was there to receive him, holding signs with words of praise for Stalin, Party, Union etc.

Among them, secret police officers spotted a particularly old man holding a sign saying "Thank you comrade Stalin, for a happy childhood!".

Officers approached him angrily. "What is this, some kind of mockery!? You must be at least 80 years old, comrade Stalin wasn't even born when you were a child!"

Old man said - "That's exactly what I'm thankful for!"

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A man is at the funeral of an old friend.

He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."

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The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."

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Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."

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Another man comes up and asks for the same privilege. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Earth." The widow replies, "Thank you, that means the world."

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Another man comes up and asks if he could say a couple words. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Being alive." The widow replies, "Thank you, he would have liked that."

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Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Infinity" . The widow replies, "Thank you, that means more than you could possibly imagine."

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Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Fhqwhgads". The widow replies: "Thanks, you don't know what that means."

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Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “The Mariana Trench.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that’s really deep.”

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Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a few words too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "water pit". The widow replies: "Thanks, I know you mean well."

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Another man approaches the widow and says: “I’m truly sorry for your loss, he was a great man.” The widow replies: “I’m not sure you understand what’s happening here.”

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Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

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After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two hours late, and you're still not ready?"

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A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first horse's tail. But the horse recoiled in pain and in a frenzy bit off the tip of the second horse's tail. Now they both had shortened tails. The two men looked and the neighbor got another idea: "If you just snip a bit of the first one's ear, you could tell them apart that way". So the man took his scissors and snipped a little part of the first horse's left ear but of course he began trashing around and in a frenzy bit off a small part of the other horse's left ear. The two men were really annoyed, but they wouldn't give up. "Alright, do the other ear, you could still tell them apart that way". But sure as hell, as the man snipped the first horse's other ear, he trashed around in pain and bit off a bit of the second horse's ear. They now both had snipped ears and tail. As the two men looked intensely for ideas, the neighbour said: "Well you know, I think you could tell them apart by height. The brown one is a bit taller than the white one"

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Them: what did you major in? Me: calligraphy

Them: why did you get such a useless degree?

Me: it was cheaper than an mba from from Harvard.

Them: so ? It’s a worthless degree, you would have made more money if you showed up to a job interview with a degree from Harvard.

Me: look, I can show up to a job interview with a degree from any school I want now...

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How much room should you give fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

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