An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week". The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want". Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look , I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool".

Read More

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it

So we went out and had some drinks.

Cool guy.

Wants to be a web developer.

Read More

I have alot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

Read More

An old Russian man wants to visit his old friend in Germany.

An old Russian man remembers a good friend he had in east Germany, and he decides he should go check up. He doesn't have enough money for a plane, however, so he decides he will drive. The next morning he and his wife get into their car and start driving. Several hours go by on the empty road and after a while, they reach the Latvian border. A man stops them and asks for passports. He asks in broken Russian “your names?”

The man responds “I am Ivan, this is my wife Tanya. we are travelling to Germany”

“Excellent. And what is your work?”

“I manufacture vodka”

“Looks good sir, you may go”

Several more hours pass and they make it to the Lithuanian border. The guard stops them and asks

“Your names?”

“I am Ivan and this is my wife Tanya. we are Russians traveling to Germany”

“Gine. Profession?”

“I manufacture Vodka”

“Looks good sir, you may pass”

They drive for another few hours, until late at night they make it to the Polish border. The guard asks for the passports, and says

“What are your names?”

“I am Ivan and this is my wife Tanya. We are Russians.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just passing through this time.”

Read More

Felt cute, got pregnant.

Might delete later.

Read More

If life gives you melons...

You have dyslexia.

Read More

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Read More