My grandfather started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60

Now he's 97 and we have no idea where the hell he is

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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,

"I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

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My neighbor with big boobs has been gardening topless all day.

I just wish his wife would do the same.

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To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office

I will find you, you have my word.

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My wife tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

But I refused, if I'm going to have sex it's going to be on my own Accord

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A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

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Guys I had a nightmare

I dreamed that my Fortnite account got deleted.

I was really scared for a second that I played Fortnite.

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