I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.

A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me.

"Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

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Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Life guard noticed and started blowing his whistle.

I was so scared, I almost fell in.

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What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?

A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.

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I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.

She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”.

I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”

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Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

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Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

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Doctor: I had to take your colon.

Me why?

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