I have sex almost everyday!!!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, almost on Sunday

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How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke:

Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

A. Take your foot off his or her head.

Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.

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What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?

Take off the ring and your house is gone

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My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them to say.

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I took a video of my shoe yesterday.

It was some pretty good footage

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Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

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A saw two men wearing matching outfits. So I asked them if they were gay.

They arrested me.

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