An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and a bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes."

The social worker then went on to explain further"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...You started it!"

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A policeman stops a car...

Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?

Miner: Mine

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My pastor preached today that being gay is a choice.

I just can’t bi into that.

(My first joke at the risk of being downvoted into oblivion because I think that sexual orientation is not a choice.)

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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

... "go on" says the priest.

"I swore the other day" says the man.

"continue" says the priest.

"I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".

"and this is when you swore?" asked the priest.

"No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man.

"this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed.

"No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man.

"Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore"

"Nope not yet.  The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole"

The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

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Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Once.

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”

The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.”

The patient says, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!”

“It doesn’t,” said the dentist and continued:

“But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”

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Pete Buttigieg's Life In The Closet

Pete Buttigieg's Life In The Closet
And why it took him until he was 33 to come out.

July 15, 2019 at 06:01AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2LOIhv7

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