The 100 Best Movies of the Decade

The 100 Best Movies of the Decade
Cinema is in a constant state of flux, but it’s never mutated faster or more restlessly than it has over the last 10 years.

July 23, 2019 at 01:32AM
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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

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So, back when my wife and I just started dating, I ran into her asshole ex in the bar.

He said "Hey there Gil, how you doing with that second-hand pussy?"

I shrugged and said "After the first two inches it's just like a new one."

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A man on his deathbed is telling his friend his final wishes

Man: I have two final wishes

Friend: what are they?

Man: firstly I'd like my remains scattered over Disney Land

Friend: and?

Man: secondly, I don't want to be cremated.

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Guys first blow job ....

Guy goes into a bar and orders 4 taqueria shots and starts knocking them back. Barman asks what’s up and the guy tells him he just had his first blowjob.

‘Congrats’ says the barman, ‘have another on me’.

‘No thanks’ says the guy, ‘if 4 shots won’t take the taste away another isn’t going to help’.

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I haven't had sex since 1956!

A woman asked a general in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.

The second orders half a beer.

"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.

"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.

The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon!" says mathematician #1, "Do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along."

"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."

"But that's not a problem," mathematician #3 chimes in, "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"

"I know how limits work," interjects the bartender.

"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"

"Are you kidding me?" the bartender replies, "You learn limits in, like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"

Mathematician #1 screeches, "HE'S ON TO US!"

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS!" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA!!!"

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait," he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, progressives will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment.

"My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they suddenly vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"

"It's simple really," the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

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