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Thứ Ba, 23 tháng 7, 2019

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you are prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"

Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.

Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized.

In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.

Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground.

"What happened?!" she asked, running to him.

He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

Every time I post a joke to this sub it gets downvoted

uʍop ǝpᴉsdn ǝuo sᴉɥʇ ǝʇᴉɹʍ ll,I oS

What do you call a bug that pays the bills?

A Paying Mantis

*My 10 year old daughter ran down the hallway to tell me this. She said she made it up.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man waited a few days and went back to the post office since he didn't receive a letter back. He saw Kurt and asked him if he delivered the letter. Kurt said he tried to, but no one answered or took the letter, so he brought it back the next day.

The man was upset that his daughter ignored him. He left a copy of the same letter every single day at the post office, in the hopes that she would answer one of them someday.

Kurt noticed the man sending letter after letter, day by day, for months. His curiosity got the better of him after some time, and he decided to read one of the letters before delivering it. He was astounded at how useful the man's advice was and decided this was worth sharing with everyone, so he called up a local newspaper company.

The newspaper company sent a reporter to come speak with Kurt, who told them, "A man sent the same letter every day for months to his daughter, who never answered the letters. Read the letter! It has some very good information that could help the whole world out."

The reporter, instead of being interested in what the letter said, was interested in the man's dedication of sending the same letter every day to someone who never responded. The reporter wrote an article and sent it to Kurt to look at before publishing.

When Kurt looked at it, he said, "It's outrageous! The reposting gets more attention than the original content!"