Professor X: What’s your superpower?Me: Hindsight Professor X: That’s not going to help us

Me: Yes, I see that now.

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I learned today that I'm colorblind

This was a surprise, it really came out of the purple

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If you see a robbery at an Apple store...

Does that make you an iWitness?

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A husband comes home after a week long trip.

He tells his wife "I want you so much after this trip" He brings her to their bed and they have loud sex all night long. At some point, the neighbor bang on the wall and screams "Shut up ! It's been 8 days like that, I can't take it anymore !"

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My dyslexic French friend said he owed me some money....

OUI.

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I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief,

but when I got home all the signs were there.

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

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