I refused to believe that my road working father was stealing from the job.

But when I got home all the signs were there.

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J_ffr_y _pst_in

Anyone wanna play hang man?

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My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

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My wife got mad because I lost £3,420 gambling. Jesus, woman! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

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Two Chinese dudes break into a distillery. One says to the other “is this Whiskey?”

The other says “yes but not as Whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

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I don't understand why Obama had to give his speeches behind bulletproof glass

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

EDIT: Guys please, I have nothing against black people, It's a joke so don't take it seriously.

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My girlfriend always takes really long showers after watching movies starring chris pratt

I dont know what shes doing in there but it gives me plenty of time to jerk off to chris pratt

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