Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

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why don’t libraries have books about suicide?

They don’t get returned.

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: SCREAMS

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: SCREAMING INTENSIFIES

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I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem

I call it my trail mix.

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Woman: "When will I meet my soulmate?"

Chiromancer: "Never."

Woman: "But you haven't looked at my palm."

Chiromancer: "I've looked at your face."

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Why didn't Jeffrey Epstein high five the prison officer?

He tends to leave people hanging.

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I refused to believe that my road working father was stealing from the job.

But when I got home all the signs were there.

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