My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.

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“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] ...“The men I please are none of your damn business!”

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My wife: You didn't hear a word I said, did you?

Me: That's a weird way to start a conversation.

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How does every racist joke start?

With a look over your shoulder.

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A pun walks into a bar, ten people die on the spot.

Pun in, ten dead.

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4 people go on vacation together.

One of them speaks English, another speaks French, the third speaks Spanish , and the last speaks German. They see a crowd gathering in the street and go over to see what’s going on. There is a performer in the middle of the crowd. He notices that the four are struggling to see him so he stands on a box. He asks them “ can you guys see me all right?” And they reply in turn “yes” “oui” “si” “ja”.

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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “Listening. I would say listening is my biggest weakness.”

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