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Thứ Hai, 2 tháng 9, 2019

A man moves into a new house with his wife. He’s painting the living room when he hears a little knock on the door.

The man goes to the door and looks around, but doesn’t see anything so he closes the door, but as he’s walking away he hears the same little knock at his door.

He opens the door and looks around, and looks down, and staring up at him is a snail. This being a new home and not wanting pests, the man picks up the snail and throws it as fair as he can. He wipes his hands and goes back to painting

His wife gets home later with some groceries and he finishes painting. They have a lovely dinner and retire to bedroom to watch a movie and have a glass of wine. Soon they are having sex. They wake up the next day happy and in love.

A few weeks later the man’s wife finds out she’s pregnant. She shares the news with the man and they are overjoyed.

Time passes and her belly grows from a small bump to a much larger bump and before long she’s in labour.

The couple bring home their healthy baby girl and name her Sophie.

Sophie grows like a weed, she takes her first steps, says her first words, and becomes a rambunctious two year old.

The couple decides that Sophie should have a sibling and so they get to work and a year later Sophie has a baby brother named Benjamin.

Benjamin grows just as weed-like as Sophie. He takes his first steps, he says his first words, and when Sophie turns five, Benjamin is a few weeks from his second birthday.

Sophie starts school and Benjamin spends time in day care so that their mother can go back to work as an obstetrician. The man works less now that his wife is back to work and they have time to spend with their children.

Benjamin starts school and Sophie takes piano lessons, and plays soccer. Their parents can barely keep up to their energetic kids. But they agree it’s a blessing Sophie and Benjamin get along so well.

That changes when Sophie starts middle school and her younger brother starts to get on her nerves. But not long after Benjamin is in middle school with his sister just about to leave.

Benjamin plays in the school band and Sophie is on the drama team. Their parents couldn’t be prouder.

Sophie starts high school and introduces the family to her first boyfriend. Benjamin doesn’t like him, and is protective of his sister.

But Benjamin’s instincts are good, and Sophie suffers her first heartbreak. The man consoles his daughter and although she’s sad for awhile, she’s soon back to smiling as much as before. She graduates and goes to college.

Benjamin misses his sister, and spends his time drawing and playing music. He graduates as well and attends a prestigious art school.

As the couple drive back from dropping off their second child at his new adventure, they think back on the wonderful years they’ve spent in the house.

They get home and the woman goes up stairs to take a nap. The man goes to read a book in the living room.

Just as he sits down he hears a little knock on the door. So he goes to the door and he looks around, but sees nothing. So he closes the door but as he’s walking away he hears the same little knock at the door.

He opens the door and looks around, and looks down and he sees a snail.

The snail looks up at him and says “Hey asshole, what the fuck was that all about!?”

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done? I spent all our family savings on one stupid apple!

Feeling horrible, I went ahead and cleaned up the apple: with the hopes that the seller will buy it back from me.

He saw the apple and said: wow, that's such a nice apple. I'd give you a dollar for that.

That was my a-ha moment, grasshoppers.

I took that dollar and bought 2 dirty apples with it. Cleaned them very well for an hour, and sold them for 2 dollars.

I was off to races.

In 14 days my business performed beyond wildest expectations: I netted a solid 256$.

Then on the 15th day the uncle of my wife in Dubai passed away and left us two billion dollars of cash inheritance.

I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party.

Everyone came, you should have seen her face.

[long] Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole

The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."

The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."

So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise.

The first guy says, "Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait... Again, nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy  gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise."

So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement.

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?"

The first guy says, "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

My grandpa always said "As one door closes another opens."

He was a great man but a terrible cabinet maker.

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.

After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.