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Thứ Ba, 3 tháng 9, 2019

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies "I just did some homework." The robot slaps the son. The son then says "Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie."

Dad asks "What movie were you watching?" The son replies "Finding Nemo The robot slaps the son. He then sais "Okay. okay. We were watching porn"

Dad said "What?! At your age I didn't know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says "Wow. He certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

A joke walks into a bar

The bartender says, “That’s weird, I’ve never meta joke before.”

The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is...

...you know what? Never mind. It's FINE.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and ones a yeeted ham.

4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lamborghini for their birthday.“

The second one nods. “Indeed, your son seems to do well. But my son isn't any less succesfull than yours. He is the Ceo of a big Yacht manufacturer. He also earns quite the amount. He gifted his lover a Yacht for their birthday.“

“Impressive“, the third one says, “I am delighted to hear so. My son is not doing bad either. He is a Ceo of a big company that is invilved with real estate and he as well earns more than enough. He went as far as gifting his lover a big mansion for their birthday.“

It is only now, that the fourth one returns from the restroom. Curiously the others ask what his eldest son was doing. “Oh nothing too fancy. He is a male stripper and prostitute.“ The three other men are shocked. “But aren't you ashamed of his lifestyle!?“ “Well of course I wasn't exactly happy when I found out but I've come to terms with it. He may not earn the most either but sometimes his clients gift him something. Just a while ago on his birthday he was actually gifted a Lamborghini, a Yacht and a Mansion from his three regulars, can you imagine?“