A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

One night at dinner, he decides to test it out. He asks his son what he did that afternoon.

His son says, "I did some homework". The robot slaps him.

" Alright, alright." His son says. "I went to my friends house and watched a movie."

"What movie?" The father asks.

"Toy Story." His son says. The robot slaps him.

"Alright, alright." His son says. We watched a porno.

The dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps him.

The mother laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps her.

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Batman gets a call from Robin, who was having trouble with the car

"Batman, I can't get the Batmobile to start! I turn the Batkey, press the Batpedal, but nothing!"

Batman thinks a moment before asking "Did you check the battery?"

There are a few seconds of silence before Robin asks "What's a tery?"

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The clitoris has over 8000 nerve endings

But it's still not as sensitive as a vegan on social media

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”

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My lesbian friend just bought me a Rolex for my birthday.

Very nice of her, but not exactly what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"

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Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish for mor-

Genie: No wishing for more wishes

Me: I wish for more genies

Genie: Holy shit.

All the new genies: Holy shit.

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What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A labracadabrador.

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