A hiker in Scotland stops to drink from a stream.

Just as he is lifting his hand to his mouth a passing shepherd yells out "Dinnae drink frae that, mister, it's all full o' coo piss an' shite!" The hiker turns and in cut-glass accents replies "My good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?" And the shepherd says, "I'm so sorry, sir, I was saying that you should cup your two hands together if you want to get a proper drink!"...

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What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

An electron. I'll see myself out now...

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Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?

Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything...

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Why don't people in Athens wake up early?

Because dawn is tough on Greece...

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I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something....

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart. For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman...

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I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs....

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