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Thứ Năm, 3 tháng 10, 2019

When feeding me my mother would say "here comes the choo choo train....."

and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Thứ Tư, 2 tháng 10, 2019

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

Do not use "beef_stew" as a password!

It's not stroganoff.

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

What did the ghost say when it woke up with a bad hangover?

“Man, I really need to lay off the boos.”

NSFW:A nurse was making her rounds at the insane asylum...

Her first stop a man had his dick in his hands and was swinging it like a baseball bat."Just what are you doing?"she asks.

"I'm Babe Ruth,the world's most famous baseball player."

She continues to the next room where she sees the patient holding his dick like a golf club.And just what are you doing?"She asks.

"I'm Arnold Palmer,the world most famous golfer."

On to the next room she peeks in and there's a guy balancing a peanut on the tip of his dick."And who are you suppose to be?"She asks.

"Who me?I'm just fuckin'nuts."