God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Yeah, no."

"I will sue you for breaking contractual obligations."

"And where exactly are you going to find any lawyers...?"

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North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

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Why was Melania so excited when Donald Trump became president

Because she can call herself the first lady instead of the third wife

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Wanted: a man has been stealing the wheels off of police cars

Officers are working tirelessly to catch him.

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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *

Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

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What noise does a subatomic duck make?

Quark

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I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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