I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid Firemen

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A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

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They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

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So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?"

I said, "hell, I know the entire alphabet!"

Everyone laughed.... well, everyone except one guy.

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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use lubricant

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I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

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My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child...

I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

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