Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."
Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
Thứ Năm, 17 tháng 10, 2019
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.” ..." St. Peter said, “ Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St. Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.”
Carl never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence.
Carl replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”“Not bad,” replied Carl the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said Carl.“Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Carl clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg!
Carl was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Carl! Wake up. You’re shitting the bed!!!”
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
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