I was in the bedroom with my girlfriend, and she told me to “Turn off the light and stick it in my ass”

I really should’ve waited for the lightbulb to cool down...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."

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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black

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What did the lesbian vampire say to her date?

I’ll see you next month

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3 men die and go to heaven

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells"

He is allowed into heaven

The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear

Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?!

The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"

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George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.

He even used the name when he had a little grill.

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I broke my finger yesterday...

... on the other hand, I'm okay.

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