Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that's draped in bacon. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

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Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

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What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

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I was in the bedroom with my girlfriend, and she told me to “Turn off the light and stick it in my ass”

I really should’ve waited for the lightbulb to cool down...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."

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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black

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What did the lesbian vampire say to her date?

I’ll see you next month

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