What did the two suicidal people say to each other?

nothing..... they were just hanging....

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What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons! Stay spooky my dudes

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

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Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

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Oedipus joke

Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me?

Oracle: you’re going to kill your father and marry joe.

Oedipus: whose Joe?

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A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not sayin a fuckin word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

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