I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

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Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.

I’ve been working on it tirelessly.

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A little known fact...

Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.

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My dentist removed the wrong tooth.

It was accidental.

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I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

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Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the President: Sir ...

President: What is the bad news? What human being could be that stingy that they wouldn't give me this movie?

Assistant to the President: His name is Rick, sir.

President: Rick?

Assistant to the President: Rick Astley, and He's Never Gonna Give You Up.

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My dad told me once, Son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't. So of course, I went, and he was right.

I saw my dad.

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