Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in strawberry?"

"S - T - R - A - W"

"Correct! Now, can you spell 'water' as in watermelon?"

"W - A - T - E - R"

"Very good! Now can you spell 'fuck' as in 'ice cream'?"

"But there isn't any fuck in ice cream!"

"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, LADY!"

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Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

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Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking

Where the fuck is my roof?

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I'm a scientist doing research in bestiality.

Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab.

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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

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If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have hired her!

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A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God...

" there is one thing I've always wanted to know"

"Ok, ask away," God said.

" Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked

" The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god.

The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up".

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