A man heard that masturbating before sex...

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

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Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.

-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.

Yes, that’s right, Alan.

-Thanks, Dad!

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I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

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Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks.

The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship to try and repair it.

"You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed.

The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."

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I walked into my sisters bedroom and she was masturbating with a carrot...

I said, "Damnit! I was going to eat that!....

Now its going to taste like carrots."

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A 13 year old boy walks into the whorehouse...

and asks for sex with a girl who suffers from an STD. Aghast, the madame asks him why on earth he'd want an STD.

He replies "It's not for me, exactly. I want to give it to the babysitter."

She asks him "Why do you want your babysitter to have the clap?"

He replies "Well, she'll give it to my dad, my dad will give it to the upstairs maid, the maid will give it to the postman, and the postman will give it to my mom."

Horrified, she screams "Why do you want your mother to have the clap?"

The kid giggles, and says "She'll give it to the milkman, and he's the SOB who ran over my bike!"

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(NSFW) A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sitting in the waiting room of an OB/Gyn office. All three are about six months pregnant.

The brunette starts a conversation with the other two women by saying, “I read an article that says you can determine what gender your baby will be if you know what position you were in during sex that was at the time of conception. I know I was on top when my husband and I were having sex and I got pregnant, so the article said I should have a girl.”

The redhead says, “well I was on bottom when my husband and I had sex so I must be having a boy”

The blonde starts wailing and crying “oh god! I’m going to have puppies!!”

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