A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him - a small, limbless blob - out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself - “maybe this is it!” She gets...

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Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp." Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one." Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever." The...

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Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?

Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists? --Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by? --Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the rushing water tumbling over the stones, and how the stones rest undisturbed despite the water? --Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the majesty of the full moon in the deep silence of the night? --Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. ...Grasshopper? --Yes,...

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When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he's dead,

He's decomposing...

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I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window.....

Little did I know the window was rolled down... at least it stopped crying...

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

​ “How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”...

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