When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date....

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Roses are red,

Roses are red, violets are red, trees are red, grass is red, ​ fu*k my garden's on fire...

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If you want to hear a joke about construction...

...come back later. I'm still working on it....

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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None...

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My 5 year old just got me with this one last night right before we fell asleep:

Him: Dad, will you remember me tomorrow? Me: Of course! Him: Will you remember me in a week? Me: Yes. Him: Will you remember me in a month? Me: Yes.. Him: Will you remember me in a year? Me: Yes. Him: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? Him: Whaaaaaaaat? You forgot me already?...

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What do you call someone with dwarfism who does a pirouette?

A midget spinner...

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Man in a helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled,...

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