20 canibals started working in an IT company

After about six months their boss comes up to them and says that he is very pleased with their work, that they're exemplary emloyees and that he is very happy to have them. He also says that the cleaning lady has vanished a couple of days ago and asks if they happen to know anything about that.

"No sir" says the head canibal.

"OK" says the boss and leaves them be.

"Alright" says the head canibal when the boss has left "Who did it?!"

"I did!" one of them admits.

"You idiot! We've been having fifty different types of manager in the past six months and nobody batted an eye! You had to eat the one person in this office that actually gets any work done!"

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The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

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How do Star Wars nerds have sex?

Hans, solo

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I love a good ISIS joke

The key is in the execution.

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A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.

There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!

“What was that?” she asks.

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” says Saint Peter, “It’s just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.”

A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.

“What was that?!” she asked anxiously.

“Oh ,don’t worry,” says Saint Peter soothingly, “It’s just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings.”

The lady starts to back away.

“Where are you going?” asks Saint Peter.

“I think I’ll go downstairs, if it’s all the same to you,” says the lady.

“But you can’t go there,” says the saint, “You’ll be raped and sodomized!”

“It’s OK,” says the lady, “I’ve already got the holes for that.”

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On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed...

someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.

Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson.

Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough.

“That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!”

On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”

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A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and starts sucking on it. The barteneder forgetting that they had not payed yet thinks something else is going on so he kicks them out.

They repeat this for around 15 more bars and are hammered. Then the first guy says "damn my back hurts from bending over so much!" The second says "you think that's bad? I lost the sausage 7 bars ago"

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