A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us"? "You should go outside and help the poor man". Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out "Do you still need a push"? In the distance he hears a reply "Yes Please". "Where are you" to which he hears "Over here on the swing set"

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My grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.

A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.

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[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal

They just want to dye.

(My first oc please don’t hurt me)

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One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, "it's going to rain"

His wife asked, "how do you know?“

"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and it diagnoses you right on the spot!"

Kevin is highly skeptical of this new miracle machine, but decides what the hell, goes home and pees in a cup, and then heads to the drug store the next morning to find the machine. He puts in his urine sample and $10. The machine hums, beeps, and whirs, and out pops a slip of paper.

"You have tennis elbow."

Well that's bullshit, thinks Kevin, I don't even play tennis! So he decides to test the machine.

He heads home and has his wife pee in a cup. He collects some of his daughter's saliva, some of his dog's shit, and to top it off, he jacks off into the cup. He heads back down to the drug store with this mix and another $10, and inserts it into the machine.

The machine hums, beeps, and whirs, and out pops another slip of paper.

"Your wife is pregnant and it's not yours, get a divorce lawyer.

Your daughter is on drugs, get her to rehab.

Your dog has worms, take him to the vet.

And if you don't stop jacking off, your tennis elbow will never go away."

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TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day

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A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.

The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survie three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip.

The American gone first. He wished for a shield made of titanum steel. But the shild held only for two strikes. At the first strike of the demonic whip it severely deformed, at the second strike it protected the American, but completely fell appart. The third strike killed the poor American.

Then came the Indian. "I don't need anything to protect myself.", said the Indian. "I practiced yoga for decades, both my mind and my body are ready to withstand any punishment that you whip will give." And so he did. Demon's whip didn't leave even a scar on yogi's body . "Okay, you passed my test", the demon said,"You can go". "I will stick around for while, I'm curious about what the Brit will do."

The demon asked the Brit: "Now it's your turn. What will you use to protect yourself?".

"Why, the Indian, of course!".

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