An eight year old girl went to office with her dad on “Take your kids to work Day”...

As they were walking around the little girl starting crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”

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My missus packed my bags and left them in the hallway

As I walked out the door, she screamed...

"I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!!"

"Oh!" I replied "so you want me to fucking stay now!"

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Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."

The whole bar died laughing

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Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes.

But they are a solid number two.

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How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?

You call them antisemantic!

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“Life is like a box of chocolates”

“It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”

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One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said. The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree. The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred. 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning. The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex! (You have to love this) The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.

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