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Thứ Bảy, 14 tháng 12, 2019

Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes.

But they are a solid number two.

How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?

You call them antisemantic!

“Life is like a box of chocolates”

“It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said. The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree. The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred. 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning. The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex! (You have to love this) The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room

They said, "Thanks."

"Don't mention it," I answered.

How to nail a job interview

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

"That's correct", said the boss. Another glass...

“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”

"Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"