What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The water. Butane is lighter fluid.

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This is Greta Thunberg's favorite subreddit.

She's very appreciative of our commitment to recycling jokes.

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go," the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you 10K".

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I was going to tell a time-travel joke

but you guys didn't like it

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Floppy Disks are like Jesus

They died to become the icon of saving

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My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.

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[First day as a rookie cop.]

Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude.

Dispatch: Copy that.

Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.

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