I was going to tell a time-travel joke

but you guys didn't like it

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Floppy Disks are like Jesus

They died to become the icon of saving

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My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.

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[First day as a rookie cop.]

Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude.

Dispatch: Copy that.

Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.

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An eight year old girl went to office with her dad on “Take your kids to work Day”...

As they were walking around the little girl starting crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”

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My missus packed my bags and left them in the hallway

As I walked out the door, she screamed...

"I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!!"

"Oh!" I replied "so you want me to fucking stay now!"

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Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."

The whole bar died laughing

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