My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.

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My wife complains that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my bags and right

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I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess.

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A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him

“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”

The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”

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Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch

Ouch

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Kung Fu student asks his teacher: "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

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Why does Waldo wear stripes

Because he doesn't want to be spotted

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