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Thứ Hai, 23 tháng 12, 2019

What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?

Do you see what I see?

Redditors: please be careful this holiday season

Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots ... I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: I took a cab. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and since it was a cab they waved me through. I arrived home safely and without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab home before. I don’t even know where I got it from, and now that it’s in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.

What did the redditor say after detonating a bomb in a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up.Thanks for the gold!

My mate Dave’s always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn’t seem like he’s got a care in the world.

“Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?” I asked him.

“I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “Only costs me a grand a week.”

“A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?” I asked.

“Fuck knows. That’s his problem.”

If I had 50 cents for everytime I failed a math test..

I would have $6.38.

Chủ Nhật, 22 tháng 12, 2019

Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs

I keep all the results on a spreadsheet

How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh

Nothing, it's on the house