The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.

I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."

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I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now

they are a non-prophet organization

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I want to tell you about a girl who only ate plants...

You've probably never heard of herbivore.

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The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision ...

... I can't wait to see them all.

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They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut

They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

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My books fell and hit me on the head...

I only have my shelf to blame

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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.

She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

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