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Thứ Tư, 1 tháng 1, 2020

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the steakhouse market?

It was a big McSteak.

“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”

Dad: That’s a D, idiot.

A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2020. You can use any printer you want".

What's the difference between the 1920s and 2020s?

Depression happens at the start of the decade now.

Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.

Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to feed a family.

"Would you look at the size of that Fucker!" he exclaims, startling the second priest.

"Hey, you can't talk like that; you're a man of the cloth. I'm a man of the cloth!" Says the second priest, scandalised.

The first priest raises his hands in a calming gesture "It's ok my good fellow, that's the fish's name. It's an Italian Fucker Fish."

After breathing a sigh of relief, the second priest is able to appreciate the fish a bit more. "Why don't we cook it for our dinner with the His Holiness the Pope tonight" he says. The first priest agrees, and they go their separate ways, the first priest to return their boat and the second to deliver the fish into the Vatican.

Priest number two lobs up at the convent and knocks at the door, a sister answers and he proudly shows her the fish. "Could the mother superior cook this Fucker for our dinner with His Holiness the Pope?" He asks. Scandalising the poor sister.

"You can't talk like that!" she says "You're a man of the cloth. I'm a woman of the cloth".

"Fret not, dear sister" the priest says "that is the fish's name. It's an Italian Fucker Fish."

Mollified the nun agrees to prepare the fish for the mother superior to cook. She scales and guts the fish and then calls on the mother superior. "Mother, I have prepared this Fucker so that you may cook it for our dinner tonight with His Holiness the Pope".

Mum superior nearly has a heart attack. "My child" she shrieks "We are women of the cloth. You cannot use such language!"

The nun placates the mother by explaining that the fish is an Italian Fucker Fish. And, so assured, she agrees to cook the fish for their dinner with His Holiness.

Later that night both Priests, the Nun and the Mother Superior are at dinner with His Holiness the Pope. They remove the silver cover from their meal and serve the fish. The Pope takes a few bites and a sip of wine and states "This fish is fantastic, practically divine"

"I caught the Fucker." Says the first priest.

"Well I brought the Fucker into the city." Says the second.

"I scaled and gutted the Fucker." Says the nun.

"And I cooked the Fucker." Says the mother superior.

His Holiness takes a look around the table, takes another sip of his wine and says "You know what? You cunts are alright!"

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.

Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.

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