A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.

The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:

"Is it true you were working at night?  How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"

The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."

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There's a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.

Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.

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I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.

I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much will this cost us?" asked the husband. "Nothing," St. Peter responded. "This is Heaven- everything is free!"

Next, he took them to the Championship golf course just minutes away from their mansion. They would have golfing privileges whenever they wanted, an angel as a caddy on command, and the course even changed daily to represent the most elite courses on Earth. "This is... stupendous," the wife asked. "What are the green fees?" Again, St. Peter said "Nothing. This is Heaven- everything is taken care of."

Next, he took them to the equivalence of a five-star restaurant next to the course. Wagu beef, prime rib, lobster, veal, salmon, rare vegetables and spices- all one could eat.

"How much-"

"Again, free," St. Peter responded to the wife. "This is Heaven."

The husband paused. "Well... this is all nice, but... do you have any low cholesterol, low-fat options...?"

St. Peter chuckled. "In Heaven, you don't have to worry about Earthly problems. You will never get fat and you will never get sick."

Suddenly, the husband grew angry, and screamed toward the sky. St. Peter and the man's wife tried calming him down, but he kept getting angrier.

"What's the matter???" the wife asked. "Why aren't you happy here???"

The man responded, "This is all YOUR fault!!! If it weren't for your fucking 'bran muffins' and 'paleo chicken' recipes, we would have been here 10 years ago!!!"

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4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar

The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

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I once bought a wooden car. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.

Wooden start.

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A mexican woman walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car. A salesman asks if she needs any help or got any questions.

Her: Cargo space?

Salesman: Car no do that. Car no fly.

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