My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?

Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.

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I got fired today because my manager caught me masturbating with a vegetable during my break

Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.

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What’s a group of chubby newborns called?

Heavy infantry

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Yoghurt

On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater."

She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt..."

I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."

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Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'.

Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.

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I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo

A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".

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How do you make a blonde girl laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday

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