A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s how I roll.

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[NSFW] A black Jewish kid is running back home from school

He asks his father "Dad, am I more black or Jewish?" "Why do you ask?" says the father "Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and was wondering if I should talk him down to $40 or just take it."

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Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

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I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, "Hi Darlin', I'd love to get into your pants!"

She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."

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Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

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I've opened up a restaurant called "Karma"

There is no menu, you get what you deserve.

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