The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)

Another classic...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... ... ... ...

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!

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A man is lost in the desert...

A man attempts to cross a desert by camel-back, but finds himself lost after some days. Having food, water, and supplies, he starts to lack only one thing upon his journey: companionship. After a couple of weeks alone, he figures 'what the heck...' and drops his trousers behind his camel and proceeds to start mounting the camel. As he does so, the camel whips its head all the way around and bites him in the face.

A few more days go by, and the man starts to really need a lay. He tries a similar tactic of going behind the camel, but tries doing it much faster. Once again the camel whips its head around and bites him in the face, which ends with him laying in the sand frustrated and without having satisfied his urges.

A few days later, a sandstorm picks up and the man hears cries coming from nearby. Through the biting sand, he recognises that the calls are from a woman. As he nears, he realises that she is covered in sand up to her neck. She shouts to him, "Please! Please dig me out, I'll do anything you wish!"

The man dismounts and starts digging her out. As he is going along, he notices that, not only is she extremely fit and beautiful, but her clothing has been damaged in the sandstorm as well exposing her bare breasts. Advancing to her waistline, she begins to help him, and he sees that her dress has been ripped away, and she's nearly naked. After a couple of hours she is free, and she motions seductively to the man, "For saving my life, I'll do anything for you. What would you have me do?"

The man wastes no time dropping his trousers, and says, "Hold that camel's head for me, will you?"

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A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly...

and as you can see, they were Wright.

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A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells

Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells

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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

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Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted,

"Two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted,

"One, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten.

The man said,

"Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President that God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

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What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

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