The Little Old Lady At Service (not mine)

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

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I have just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

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I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.

She said, “You can’t do this to me!”

I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”

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1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness

So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.

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A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have been. After months of searching, the investigator comes back to her with only a single photo of the boy adopted out to the Mexican couple.

"There's no photo of the other child!?" the woman says, dismayed.

The investigator shrugs. "Geeze, lady! They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..

He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.

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I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

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