When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

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I’m a big fan of whiteboards.

I find them quite re-markable.

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Reddit was down this morning

Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs

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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

The father was furious. "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK Dad, as you wish." the daughter replied. "I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club. And I have an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

The father stopped her, "Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad!"

"Oh! Sweet Jesus!" he replied, "You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant.' Come here and give your old man a hug!"

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My friend's financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.

That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.

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A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me...

...that babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear." Replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it in so much detail to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

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Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish is granted!"

POOF

She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy.

The second nun agreed and said, "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?"

Saint Peter said again, "Your wish is granted!"

POOF

Away she went!

The third nun, an Italian girl, nodded her head in agreement, "I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?"

With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?"

The Sister squealed with excitement,"Oh my, yes, yes she is! She's the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I've been saving for years!"

And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands.

Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,"Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week."

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